Tag Archives: Shit

This blog hates you and here’s why

Why do I even bother? Nobody wants me to succeed at this so why try? It all comes down to our society, and the fact we are all bitter cunts.

True success is never really rewarded in the way it deserves to be. Like in design technology at school, when you’d build a 14ft tall sculpture of Lion-O from Thundercats out of four bits of duplo, a plank of wood and a pritt stick but get a lower grade than the kid who made a plastic calendar. Granted the task was probably to make a plastic calendar, but where are the extra points for invention?

Not fucking Lion-O

Charlie Sheen is vilified for getting blasted on drugs and booze every night, partying in possibly the coolest city in the world and having not one but two girlfriends. One is his maid and one is a porn star. You know the old saying “most men want a whore in the bedroom a chef in the kitchen and a cleaner in the house”? Charlie Sheen fucking has that! And he spends the parts of his day when he isn’t drinking something, shagging something or smoking something rubbing his amazingness in millions of people’s faces on talk shows. Compared to that, a wife who looks more like a melted waxwork of the Queen Mother every day, kids who learnt to talk from watching “Rasta Mouse” and a job that is only just subsidising your crawl to the grave sounds a lot like a plastic calendar.

Better than you

To be honest a lot of things about everyday life seem like a plastic calendar to us now. Go in a calendar shop for example. But this is the year 2011, surely the older amongst you will remember the bold propositions for life in the year 2000. We’ll all be living on the moon! Which is ridiculous for a start because the moon is smaller than Earth so if our whole population moved there we’d be cracking each other’s skulls open and eating the goo inside the minute we ran out of cheese. We’ll all be flying around on skateboards! Now most people who are both over 16 and who don’t suffer from drug dependency don’t skateboard anyway. If you’re scared of falling off and hitting your head on the pavement on a normal skateboard why would you suddenly get one when science makes it possible to ride them into the surface of the sun?

 In reality our future is set in stone. I’ve seen it. Stop listening if you don’t want it spoiled. Basically in 2050 it’s exactly the same except we have to download our meals off itunes, Colonel Gadaffi is married to Cheryl Cole, the most-watched reality show is China’s Got Nuclear Weapons and after decades of hard work scientists finally found a reason for James Corden to exist. Luckily they’ve seen his shows so don’t tell anyone and he’s exterminated in the “Great Celebrity Cull” of 2051.

Somebody put this cunt out of my misery please

What does any of this have to do with weightloss? Nothing motherfucker, but you enjoyed it anyway right?


The sound you can hear is people complaining about this blog.

Am I Dead?

The short answer is no. Am I a fat, lazy sod? Yes. Yes I am. I’m afraid you, my faithful people, have been robbed of your five fat-based LOLs a day by the fact I am a lazy slob. But is the dream over? Has our hero piled on two stone of blubber in an epic eating binge not seen since some guy with a beard fed 5000 thousand people on just a McDonalds Filet-o-Fish and half a Hovis Best Of Both? Well actually progress is made. I’ve lost a stone on this little sojourn to health and happiness, and making people laugh doesn’t have any calorie content. Oh wait, Peter Kay, Seth Rogen, John Candy, Ricky Gervais. Maybe scratch that last bit.

Jesus, dude. You sure you don't want a couple more Fish burgers? There's like five thousand people out there.

Progress isn’t actually all it’s cracked up to be. For a start, when you’re my size a stone can come off of many places. Sadly with so many chins to my name, thinking my stomach would show a marked improvement from this motivational but somewhat negligible weight loss was ambitious to say the least. However the initially faulty but now apparently okay scales are the scales, so I figured I’d take the confidence where I could get it.

I’ve had some interesting food experiences since I left you, which I will carefully ration so that I have something to tell you each time I breeze into your life. Though at my size, I’m more breeze-block than breezing.

I kind of voluntarily derailed myself when going to Lancashire to visit some family a couple of weekends ago. If there is one thing that northern families love it’s a bit of grub. Usually accompanied by a lot of grub. With a glass of grub.

You see mealtime in a traditional northern household is akin to a sleepover at Gary Glitter’s crib in that in both cases your host will not take no for an answer. I’m going to take you on a mental journey now. Not mental as in Charlie Sheen but mental meaning brain. Close your eyes. Now you can’t read the rest of the paragraph you idiot, open them again and get a hold of yourself. Are we back? Splendid. Now imagine if you will that a trusted family member is cooking lunch, in this case bacon and sausages. How many would you like? A sausage and a rasher perhaps? Two bangers and a slither of the good stuff? Two of each if you’re feeling pretty haughty and naughty? Unsurprisingly your scribe plumped for the latter option and was met not with mild shock from a grandparent concerned for her fan-chub-ulous grandson’s wheelchair-bound future. But with an “are you sure? You won’t be eating until your tea you know!”

Now I’m not sure how most people’s meals work, but mine involve gaps in between. Though I have made myself a rather hefty man with my overeating over the years, this was down to greed more than a misunderstanding of the separation between meals. I mean there have been times where I would have welcomed the addition of more meals into the accepted traditions of mealtime. Imagine my childhood disappointment when I learnt that brunch was a substitute for, rather than another meal bridged between, lunch and dinner. It was like finding out God wasn’t real. The difference being that there isn’t two billion misguided people who still believe in brunch as a separate meal. Food addicts 1 Christianity 0.

He died for our sins.

So as I’ve been trying to point out in a very roundabout way, having two sausages and two pieces of bacon was obviously a ridiculously small amount. I was offered two more of each item. I was offered toast. I was half expecting a doctor to be called in order to check the possibility of my survival on a mere two sausages and two bacon slices. If African politicians had the same idea of starvation as my nan then that would be one of the world’s biggest problems solved. At least until the continent sunk into the sea after its people spent six months on a diet of sausages and bacon. They’d probably take the toast as well, greedy sods.

Well I’ve probably provoked enough complaints for one night. If you enjoyed this please comment. If you didn’t please feel free to comment as well, fury makes the world go round. Either way I’ll be back in the week to titillate/torment you all with more stories from my northern adventure and probably more horrible jibes at the less fortunate.