Tag Archives: Bree Olsen

This blog hates you and here’s why

Why do I even bother? Nobody wants me to succeed at this so why try? It all comes down to our society, and the fact we are all bitter cunts.

True success is never really rewarded in the way it deserves to be. Like in design technology at school, when you’d build a 14ft tall sculpture of Lion-O from Thundercats out of four bits of duplo, a plank of wood and a pritt stick but get a lower grade than the kid who made a plastic calendar. Granted the task was probably to make a plastic calendar, but where are the extra points for invention?

Not fucking Lion-O

Charlie Sheen is vilified for getting blasted on drugs and booze every night, partying in possibly the coolest city in the world and having not one but two girlfriends. One is his maid and one is a porn star. You know the old saying “most men want a whore in the bedroom a chef in the kitchen and a cleaner in the house”? Charlie Sheen fucking has that! And he spends the parts of his day when he isn’t drinking something, shagging something or smoking something rubbing his amazingness in millions of people’s faces on talk shows. Compared to that, a wife who looks more like a melted waxwork of the Queen Mother every day, kids who learnt to talk from watching “Rasta Mouse” and a job that is only just subsidising your crawl to the grave sounds a lot like a plastic calendar.

Better than you

To be honest a lot of things about everyday life seem like a plastic calendar to us now. Go in a calendar shop for example. But this is the year 2011, surely the older amongst you will remember the bold propositions for life in the year 2000. We’ll all be living on the moon! Which is ridiculous for a start because the moon is smaller than Earth so if our whole population moved there we’d be cracking each other’s skulls open and eating the goo inside the minute we ran out of cheese. We’ll all be flying around on skateboards! Now most people who are both over 16 and who don’t suffer from drug dependency don’t skateboard anyway. If you’re scared of falling off and hitting your head on the pavement on a normal skateboard why would you suddenly get one when science makes it possible to ride them into the surface of the sun?

 In reality our future is set in stone. I’ve seen it. Stop listening if you don’t want it spoiled. Basically in 2050 it’s exactly the same except we have to download our meals off itunes, Colonel Gadaffi is married to Cheryl Cole, the most-watched reality show is China’s Got Nuclear Weapons and after decades of hard work scientists finally found a reason for James Corden to exist. Luckily they’ve seen his shows so don’t tell anyone and he’s exterminated in the “Great Celebrity Cull” of 2051.

Somebody put this cunt out of my misery please

What does any of this have to do with weightloss? Nothing motherfucker, but you enjoyed it anyway right?